Foods That Are Impossible to Eat While Trying to Look Graceful in Front of Your Boyfriend’s Parents

Every few weeks, my boyfriend’s parents invite us over for lunch. I’m awkward by nature as it is, but when you sit a plate of food in front of me, my social ineptness is taken to new levels, especially because in this case, I’m desperately trying to win their approval with my charm and grace. That’s right, I’m such a lady, I think triumphantly as I successfully cut each piece of meat without scraping the plate, delicately place it into my mouth, and chew it with my lips fully closed.  

But there are some foods that are just impossible to eat while you’re trying to impress your boyfriend’s parents, and my potential future in-laws seem to have a knack for ordering them on the days when they invite me over. Call it paranoia, but they seem to take special pleasure in watching my discomfort as I try to cut and chew my way through the following plates:

Anticuchos

First course: grilled and marinated pieces of beef heart placed on a skewer. Need I say more? Perhaps. Trying to pry a piece of anticucho meat from a skewer with your knife is like trying to take off a pair of skinny jeans after Thanksgiving dinner. You yank and you pull, but that baby is just not coming off without some help. To add insult to injury, these pieces of anticucho meat were the most enormous I’ve ever seen, making them especially difficult to slide off the skewers in one swift movement. I tried cutting the meat in half while it was still on the skewer, I tried a two-pronged attack with my knife and fork, but those pieces of chewy cow’s meat just wouldn’t budge. One time I successfully tore a piece of meat from the skewer, only to have it go flying across the table and onto the crisp white tablecloth.

What is a girl to do when confronted with such impossible food? Observe the etiquette of those around her, I suppose. So I did. I noticed the men were all tearing the meat directly off the skewer with their teeth, but that seemed a little barbaric, so I looked to my boyfriend’s mother for a clue as to how to coax the meat off the skewer with a little dignity. But alas! She wasn’t eating anticuchos at all (something about cholesterol), so instead I found her delicately placing forkfuls of tiradito into her mouth. Go figure. 

Pollo a la brasa

Main entrée: pollo a la brasa and French fries. I should preface this section by saying that pollo a la brasa, or rotisserie-style chicken, is one of my very favorite Peruvian plates, and I’ve told my boyfriend’s family as much, so it was sweet of them to think of me when setting the lunch menu. That said, pollo a la brasa is an incredibly challenging dish to eat when you are trying to cast an irresistible ladylike charm on your potential future in-laws. There’s just something about carving little pieces of chicken away from the bone that makes you feel a little less charismatic and desirable, especially when it comes to my favorite part of the whole experience: slurping down the skin I saved especially so that its seasoned and crispy goodness can be the very last taste in my mouth.

Grapes (with seeds)

Dessert: after turning down ice cream, my boyfriend’s mom asked if I’d like some grapes. Thinking that grapes are much easier to eat than the appetizer and entrée I just mentioned, I enthusiastically agreed. But as soon as she sat the bowl down in front of me, I knew it was a mistake. For these, I quickly judged, were no ordinary grapes. These grapes were the size of golf balls, and I had the sneaking suspicion that they would have seeds in them. So with my boyfriend’s parents sitting across from me, the age-old question crossed my mind: spit or swallow?  

The former option, of course, would involve me trying to delicately reach into my mouth mid-chew, retrieve the tiny seed lodged on my tongue, and drop it back into the bowl before me. While I could have feasibly dabbed my lips with a napkin and spit the seed it into it or formed a fist over my lips and furrowed your eyebrows— as if lost in thought—when removing the seed, I think it’d become pretty obvious after a few grapes as to what I was really trying to do. Was it weirder to try to hide the obvious or to reach into my mouth candidly with no regard to ladylike etiquette? Both options made me anxious, so I decided to swallow the seeds instead. Of course, if my boyfriend’s parents were expecting to find a pile of seeds upon clean-up later, they would know that I had swallowed the seeds instead, thus leaving nothing behind. While that reality might be just as weird and awkward, I decided to accept it, since I wouldn’t have to be there for the big moment of truth. I just hope they don’t say anything about it the next time I visit…

photo credits: 1,2

Peruvian Dating for Expat Dummies Cheat Sheet

*Warning: The following article is based on true stories. This could happen to you.  

Dating can be tricky and uncomfortable in any culture, but for me and my roommates, it has soared to new levels of awkwardness during our time abroad. Many incidents have arisen where intentions/motives/customs have gotten lost in translation, so for this entry, I thought we should review the popular For Dummies Dating Cheat Sheet, making a few uniquely Peruvian revisions.

Asking for a First Date:

• For Dummies tip: ¨Offer a specific opportunity (as well as alternative days).¨ 
• Revision: Offer a specific opportunity, as well as alternative days, locations, and times.  Don´t take ¨no¨ for an answer. If she says ¨no¨ she really just needs to be worn down until she says ¨yes.¨ Don´t be afraid to call. Don´t be afraid to call six times in a row, because though she´s clearly avoiding you after the second call, there´s still a chance she might answer the phone by accident.

Tips for Flirting:

• For Dummies tip: ¨Pay attention. No looking like you´re trying to remember if you fed the cat.¨ 
• Revision: Pay attention. Track your desired female at all times. If she says she needs to go to the bathroom, escort her and wait patiently outside.

• For Dummies tip: ¨Lighten up; don´t bulldoze. Telling your date she is incredibly hot isn´t flirting; it´s steering your dating experience into a mountain.¨ 
• Revision: Bulldoze, never lighten up. Telling your date she is incredibly hot is flirting. So is cat-calling or honking at passersby on the street. Who can resist you as you cruise down the streets of Miraflores in your Volkswagon bug? Steering your dating experience directly into a mountain is exactly your intention; doesn´t everyone want to go to Machu Picchu?

Making Safe Connections:

• For Dummies tip: ¨Don´t wait more than a week or two before arranging to see each other in person.  Any longer than that, and you´re just perpetuating a fantasy and building a false sense of intimacy.¨ 
• Revision: Don´t wait more than an hour or two before arranging to see each other in person. Any longer than that, and she may think that you have a life outside of creeping on her.

Using Technology Wisely When You´re Dating:

• For Dummies Tip: ¨After a date, don´t text your date repeatedly hoping for confirmation that the date went well. You wouldn´t call this person again and again, would you? (Would you?) Have some confidence in yourself, and give your date some breathing room. 
• Revision: After a date, text your date repeatedly hoping for confirmation that the date went well. You would call this person again and again, wouldn´t you? (Wouldn´t you?) Don´t give your date breathing room—she might forget about you and start dating other people.

Affirmations:

• For Dummies: ¨A date is only a date—it´s not do-or-die time.¨ 
• Revision: It´s do-or-die time.